A funny thing happened half way through July; I realized I was happy. Really happy; for the first time in five years. It must have happened gradually, so gradually that I didn't even notice it happening. It is a somewhat unfamiliar feeling since I haven't felt this way since August of 2014.
You see, in August 2014, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and witnessed something horrific which changed my life drastically. I sought help, I got help. Every time I started to feel better, I ended up in court to testify which dragged me back down to where I was at the beginning. I ended up testifying four times in four years, 2014-2018. It felt like I was drowning; that I would never surface from this traumatic event; that it was never going to end.
Five years. Five years of nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, over analyzing, apologizing, exhaustion and a host of other symptoms. Anyone who has had one (or many) of these symptoms knows and understands the struggle. Every single day is a fight to get even the simplest things done. Its easy to lose hope, to feel things are never going to get better; life is never going to return to the way it was before the trauma.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I felt I was robbed of my life. All the things I loved to do had become difficult, if not impossible for me. I was a shell of my former self and while I was struggling to come to terms with it, my bigger struggle was with the negative thoughts I had about how I was failing those who loved me.
The people in my life who loved me, who were always supportive, didn't know what to do to help me even though they wanted so desperately to help. They struggled to understand what I was going through, yet without any kind of frame of reference, they just couldn't grasp how deeply I was sinking. They feared saying the wrong thing which left them with little to say. I understood this because I couldn't tell them or even begin to explain what was going on in my head, heart or soul. There were no words.
I continued to "work on me" a lot. Late in 2018, I realized I was beginning to have "good days"; sometimes two or three days in a week. For the first time in years, I had a glimmer of hope and at the same time I feared the thought of: "what if it doesn't last?"
When you've been in this kind of darkness for years, it becomes familiar and you might find you resign yourself to it. When a glimmer of hope appears, you want to grab it like a lifeline. Problem is, you've become accustomed to the hopelessness and grabbing onto hope and then having it taken away is even more soul crushing so it takes a huge leap of faith to grab it and not let go.
So I held onto the hope that there would be more good days. I was afraid to say it out loud, yet I became more consciously aware of the good days beginning to outnumber the bad and I stopped beating myself up about the bad days.
The first half of 2019 had some major ups and downs, yet I seemed to find I was able to cope; maybe not well, but well enough to get through things without having a meltdown.
In mid-July, I found myself laughing, really laughing for the first time since that fateful day in 2014. When I heard myself truly laugh, it dawned on me that I was actually happy. Not just momentarily happy, but happy without that edge of worry/anxiety. It felt like my life was finally my own again and there are not enough words to express what that feels like after feeling like a prisoner for so long.
My life hasn't returned to what it used to be; there is no going back. The traumatic event has forever changed me at the very deepest level of my soul. However, from the ashes of that old life and a walk through hell, I have managed to create a new life which holds the potential for me to continue to build a life of hope, happiness, love, success and health.
I have experienced a lot and I have learned a lot in the process. My goal now is to help others who are walking through their own hell (whatever that might be) and to guide them through to their new life so they can live fully and happily. It is possible, I've been there...I've done it.
Blessings,
Bren
