*Warning - may be triggering to those with PTSD*
When I passed my driver's test at the age of sixteen, in a 5 - speed stick shift car, I fell in love with driving. Driving gave me a sense of happiness, of freedom, of adventure. As long as I was on my way to somewhere, regardless of the weather, I was always happiest behind the wheel of a car.
Then, in August of 2014 all that changed. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was stopped at a traffic light at the tail-end of rush hour traffic when I was suddenly looking at someone who had a gun pointed at me, who then turned and fired into the car in front of me, shooting the occupants within.
In that moment, my life changed in so many ways; one of which was how I felt about driving. For the first three years after the shooting, driving was terrifying. I went from being happy behind the wheel of a car to suddenly seeing everything and everyone as a threat. Stop signs, red lights, construction zones, pedestrians and most especially jaywalkers invoked a level of sheer panic like nothing I could adequately explain. While my rational mind would tell me I was being ridiculous, my emotions were uncontrollable and my panic was overwhelming. The happiness driving had always given me was gone and I felt devastated that driving had become a terror instead of a joy.
It's been just over five years now since that event. Five.Long.Years.
Last year, things shifted slightly. I found I could drive without that overwhelming sense of panic. There were still times when bumper to bumper traffic or pedestrians had me panicking, but for the most part, I was OK. The happiness was still gone but at least so was the terror, so in my mind it was a "win" for me. If the joy of driving didn't return, at least the terror was gone. I could live with it being this way for the rest of my life.
Then last week something happened that was completely unexpected. On Friday afternoon, I went to meet a friend for coffee half way across the city. I got into my car and headed out to meet her, knowing traffic would already be "weekend busy', slow and congested, but I went anyway. I had been driving for about 10 minutes before I noticed, before I felt it; it had been so long....I was happy! Truly happy to be driving. The realization shocked me as I had resigned myself to a life without this happiness returning; yet, here it was. Strangely, it felt different. More intense, a deeper more appreciative feeling of happiness. I was amazed and overjoyed. For the first time in five years, I felt like the "me" I had lost that day in August of 2014.
What I know is this: trauma changes the very core of us. We are no longer the person we used to be. While we can mourn the loss of "the life we used to have", we must also create a new life from the point of trauma forward. There's no going back; you can only go forward. However, you get to choose what your life is going to look and feel like as you go forward. It may take time, it may not be easy, however, it is entirely possible to once again find happiness, love, laughter and what ever you had lost through your trauma. It will be different. However, different can mean it will be so much better than before. You just have to find your way and be willing to appreciate it when it finally arrives.
Blessings,
Bren
