Change of Season - Change of Perspective



I took a trip to Ottawa over the weekend to visit a friend.   I was fortunate because the weather was fabulous and Autumn in Ontario can be spectacular if the leaves aren't blown off the trees early in the season.  It was a beautiful drive, traffic was good and most of the construction seems to be winding down so I made good time.

Travelling always gives me some time to 'check in' with how I'm feeling on all levels and where I am in relation to what I had planned to accomplish by this point in the year.  Since most of my friends live at least an hour away from me, I spend a fair amount of time travelling which in turn, gives me many opportunities over the year to 'check in'. 

On this particular trip though I found that I was on track for a number of work related projects which I'm happy about and I'm 'off track' where my personal life is concerned; more specifically, I really hadn't had a lot of fun this year and the year is quickly drawing to a close. How did this happen?  Why did it happen? and the most important question is "What can I do to change it NOW".

As I continued my drive, noticing the rolling hills and the array of autumn colours everywhere, I thought about my Goals for 2010 and I Goals I have mapped out for 2011 and it dawned on me that I had only created Goals for my work/career, I had not written any Goals around my personal life or the fun things I would like to do.  It may seem strange to some people that someone would need to write goals for Fun, yet if you think about it, it really makes perfect sense.   If fun to you is a tropical vacation in the dead of winter, then odds are, early in the year you began making plans around your winter escape.  You probably considered when exactly you'd like to go and where.  You then created a savings strategy so you could put money aside to pay for the trip and any extras you would need.  So in effect, your vacation was the Goal you set and then you developed a strategy/plan to get you there.  I had somehow forgotten to create Goals that would be fun, so all my travel this year has been for work and though I had talked about travelling for fun, I never set a date or made plans.  While I always encourage my clients to create goals that are both career related and fun, I had somehow managed to overlook it in my own plans.

Often we need a change of scene, to see, hear and experience things in order to gain a new perspective on where we really are in relation to our goals; to figure out what's working, what's not, and as I found out, what's missing.

Fortunately, it's never too late to create a new goal, so I'm making sure I have fun goals set for the remainder of 2010 and I have updated my Goals for 2011 to include travel for pleasure and fun as well as travel for work.  Life is all about finding the happy balance between work life and living life.



Silence Is Golden....Or Is It?

Silence is golden, assuming of course the silence is one of peace and tranquility and not one imposed by "The Silent Treatment" (TST).   I'm sure everyone has been on both the giving and receiving end of The Silent Treatment at least once in their lives and it's certainly not a golden silence by any stretch of the imagination. 

In our minds we believe we have a good reason for giving someone the silent treatment and feel justified in our behaviour.  Some of the top reasons are:  "I don't want to fight about X", "I don't want to say something I'll regret", "They don't understand why I'm...(hurt, angry, upset, whatever)", "They weren't listening to me".  We can all come up with some great 'reasons', except the reasons are really just an excuse to punish/control/manipulate/hurt the other person often because we feel they have hurt or betrayed us.

Yes, I understand not wanting to fight with someone, or to say something you can't take back.  I've been there and done that, as the saying goes.  Yes, there are times when others don't understand our feelings or don't really hear what we are trying to tell them, or we need time to sort out what we're feeling and how to express it, however none of these things justify giving them The Silent Treatment.  Shutting down communication without any explanation is at best an unconscious act of punishment/manipulation at worst it is a deliberate act knowing it will hurt/upset the other person.

You see, while TST may get you the short term results you *think* you want, the truth is every time it's used it does more damage to your relationship with that person; it breaks down communication and more importantly it breaks down trust and respect.  Rather than working to create a balanced healthy relationship, TST becomes a power struggle and in the end the relationship suffers and will likely breakdown. If you cannot communicate your point of view or feelings without it turning into a fight, a huge emotional drama or without saying something you will regret, then by all means, step away from the conversation.  This does not mean giving the person TST, it means tell them you cannot discuss it right now AND agree to discuss it later at a specific time.  So, if you're too upset and things are getting out of hand, admit it and agree to discuss it later in the day or even the next day being specific as to when exactly you are going to sit down and discuss it.  

By temporarily walking away you give yourself and the other person the opportunity to think about the situation, what each of you want to express, whether it's facts or feelings, in a way that is not accusing or assigning blame.  Remember how you feel is your responsibility, you are choosing your response, so "You made me feel ...." is not an acceptable statement.  Something triggered your emotional response and you alone are responsible for that response.  That being said, it is acceptable to say "When you did (or said)  X, I felt Y"  Recognize what the trigger was (something done or said) that caused your emotional response rather than blaming the person for how you feel/felt. 

Often what triggers us is not what we are currently experiencing, but instead, our current experience triggers something we associate into from our past>  In other words, what gets triggered is all the baggage from our past that we unconsciously drag around with us.

The best way to avoid The Silent Treatment is to come up with an agreement when both individuals are in a good frame of mind and there are no outstanding issued between them.  Sit down and just write out some rules to follow so you both know and respect the process of resolving issues when they do arise.

A few ideas would be:

1.  If the matter cannot be discussed calmly, agree to walk away and meet again later at a set time when you both have had time to think clearly and unplug from the emotional drama.

2. Agree that past issues are PAST and will NOT constantly be brought back up days, weeks, months or years later in other disagreements.  Keep the discussion revelant to the current situation.

3. Work to find common ground.  You want a win-win, not a win-lose.  When someone wins and the other loses you are creating resentment and a me vs you situation.  You want a win-win, you want a partnership, an opportunity to work together towards a better relationship.

4.  Own what's yours - you feelings, your thoughts, your behaviour.  So statements are "I" based.  "I felt...", "I said..". "I acted/behaved..."    Guilt, punishment and manipulation are unacceptable.

You have to be able to communicate openly and honestly without fear of it being held against you or thrown back in your face days, weeks, months (or even years) from now.  A healthy relationship, regardless of the type of relationship (adult/child, spouses, friends, lovers) grows healthier and stronger when those involved can share openly an honestly anything and everything and still be loved and respected.  Knowing you have that kind of relationship will make your time together golden.