A Year Later

It's been just over a year since PTSD changed my life.  Some days it seems like it happened yesterday, other days it feels like I've been dealing with it forever.  While my SO tells me I'm doing great, I must admit I don't feel like I am.  Perhaps I'm just being overly self-critical; it's been known to happen as anyone who knows me will attest.

Yesterday, the homicide detective I spoke with last year called me with some more news.  You see, I'm expected to testify in court later this month.  I've known since July which is when the subpoena arrived. I've had many sleepless nights since then. At the same time, I kept thinking "at least this will close this chapter of my life". I was wrong.

The detective informed me they had two people in custody and both were being charged with murder and attempted murder.   There will be separate trials and, unfortunately, this means I will be expected to testify at both preliminary hearings and both trials.

This also means meetings with the Crown (prosecuting) attorney and the detective prior to all these events. The detective was almost apologetic as he told me this, probably because he knew how this news would affect me. 

There was not much I could say or do other than set up a date and time to meet with the detective and Crown attorney.  

So my journey continues.  While I know and believe "This too shall pass" at the present time it doesn't feel that way.  I feel tired, frustrated, heartbroken, fragile. In the big scheme of things I know it's OK to feel this way; really, when you think about it, who wouldn't? 

I know in a few days, maybe a week, I will once again strengthen my resolve and move forward.  But for now, I am just overwhelmed. I need to allow myself to adjust to this new development and then do what I need to do to get through this next stage.  I know I am not alone; I have a great deal of love and support around me which I am beyond thankful for.  

What I have learned in the past year through this experience is the therapies I use while working with clients (and the ones I chose for my own healing) make it easier to adjust to whatever life brings.  

My experience has given me the ability to assist my clients in new ways because I have a deeper understanding of their challenges.  They say "there's a reason for everything"; so perhaps the reason I am going through this is so I can be of assistance to others.  Being able to better help others with PTSD would make this all worth it. 

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Little Victories

As I continue to build my life in spite of having PTSD, I have come to appreciate what I refer to as the little victories.

The "little victories" are things that were once easy for me, day to day things like grocery shopping, filling my gas tank at a self-serve station, long road trips alone, going to the theatre, being out in crowds at concerts or other public events. Doing things on my own and being able to be alone.  These things were commonplace for me 13 months ago.   They were things I loved to do and did frequently all my adult life.

Then in August of 2014, everything changed.   Witnessing a violent crime left me with PTSD and it changed my life. 

Since then, I have been working to build a new life.  Finding my way through sleepless nights, moments of panic, doubt and frustration. I have a lot of really good days; and some not so good.

What I have learned through all this is to appreciate the little victories and this week there were a couple of them.  The biggest being a road trip alone to a friend's cottage.   Two years ago I wouldn't have even given this a thought, I would have just hopped into my car and gone. Now, it was a very conscious decision and even deciding to go caused a fair amount of anxiety.   The driving itself wasn't the problem, it was the thought of being stuck in traffic and even worse, the thought of having to stop on the way for gas or a bathroom break.   It was challenging and at a couple of points during the drive I thought "I can't do this" especially when traffic slowed to a crawl and I felt trapped and the panic began to rise.  I somehow pressed on.  Then I needed to stop for gas.  It was late on a Friday afternoon, it was a highway stop, so it was busy, so very busy and so many people walking around.  I sat in my car in the parking lot, unable to get out and not willing to drive over to the gas pump.  I knew I was being irrational but knowing didn't change the panic I felt. 

I ended up texting my SO.   He was supportive, calming, and kept texting me until I felt that I could go fill my gas tank. Unfortunately, just as I started to fill the tank a guy came up behind me. He scared the hell out of me.   He was just someone giving a demo of a car product, but I didn't see him approach me and to turn to find someone standing right next to me was just too much for me to take. I stopped the pump, told him I wasn't interested, almost bolted into my car and drove off.  Problem being that I had only managed to put $25 worth of fuel in my car which meant I'd have to stop on my way home to fill up. Yet it was still a little victory because I DID pump gas at a busy station and I didn't have a full blown panic attack; I was simply shaken and a call to my SO was enough to calm me down.  

I made it to the cottage and the relief and happiness I felt was enormous.   It had been over a year since I had driven any distance alone; this was and is one of those little victories that mean so much especially since I really didn't know if I would ever be able to drive long distances alone again. This proved I could and would, in time, be able to travel as I once did. 

Another was going to Stratford to see a play with my SO.  Granted, it was mid-week and the theatre was only 2/3 full, but I was able to be there, surrounded by strangers and still manage to enjoy the production without feeling anxious or overwhelmed. 

They seem small, simple things.  In truth they are, yet through the lens of PTSD they are big for they represent progress; signs that I am moving forward and my life is mine to build each and every day.  I can't change what happened to me, however, I can choose how to build a new life; one I define for myself rather than allowing what happened and PTSD to define me. 

We all get to choose how we move forward. Whether it's through traditional or non-traditional therapies, the choice is ours to make.  There are a lot of therapies available; if something doesn't or isn't working for you, try something else.  You are the best judge of what and who you need to work with to work through your PTSD and build your life anew.

While my work continues to be helping others make the most of their lives, I find myself especially wanting to help those with PTSD because I know what it's like to live with it.  I believe it is possible to build a new, happy, healthy life and we don't have to struggle alone, we simply need to find the right therapy and practitioner to guide us along the way.