I Forgive You....

We've all been there.  That place where we have been hurt and/or betrayed, our heart, our faith, our trust shattered.  A place where someone we care about, someone we love, someone we thought we 'knew' has said or done something which cuts into us like a long sharp knife.  Once the initial shock is past, once we have time to think about what was said and done, what happens next?  Where do we go from here?

Do we forgive them?  Do we hate them? Do we relive the event over and over trying to figure out who was right, who was wrong, what really happened?  Do we let it fester and eat away at us?  Do we allow it to destroy our ability to trust, love or have faith in others?  Do we allow it to create a 'wall of protection' around  us so no one will ever get close enough to hurt us again?   Do we look for a lesson within the event?  Was there a higher purpose to it?  What do we do, what choice do we make, how do we move forward from here?

Its not easy to forgive; I mean to really forgive.  The kind of forgiveness that frees you from reliving the event through talking about it over and over again.  Forgiveness that allows you to 'let it go' completely, so you are not beating yourself up with comments like "I should have known", "I should have guessed", "How could I have been so blind/stupid/naive", "why does this keep happening to me?"  Forgiveness that forgives the other person to the point where you are OK that they are alive and well; and that you are able to forgive yourself for the part you played in the event as well.  You see, you need to forgive yourself as well as them because in order for whatever happened to happen, you had to be a part of it, you had a role in its creation.

Now before you flip out and say "It wasn't MY fault, s/he did..."  Let me give you a different perspective to toy with; something to turn over in your mind, and see how you feel about things that have happened in the past that you may still be holding onto.

Consider, just for a moment, that before you entered your current life, you were in a different dimension.  Somewhere where emotions were non-existent because there was only love.  In this place, everyone gathers with plans to experience 'life on earth'.  Discussing things they want to experience, to learn, find out about, play with, in short, they want to live the human existence.  In this place, everything sounds so exciting, fun, and those who will be part of our earth experience gather together and agree to help us as we agree to help them.  

So, let's say you want to learn about forgiveness, trust and faith while on earth.  How awesome is that going to be?  Everyone wants to help, so some agree they will meet you on earth and will help you with these lessons.  How?  Well, in order for you to learn forgiveness, they are going to hurt and betray you because how else will you learn to forgive, to trust again, to have faith in others?  Ouch, that's going to hurt! However, in the realm in which these agreements were made, there is no hurt or pain, no betrayal, there is only love; a love so encompassing that others are willing to play the part of the villain in your earth experience simply so you can learn the lessons you chose; and we are blessed and grateful that they are willing to do this for us.

Of course once we get into a physical body on earth we don't see it this way simply because we don't remember the contracts we made.  If we did, the lessons and the learning wouldn't happen.  So here we are, in a physical body, hurt and betrayed needing to think things through, understand how we feel and try to decide whether we want to hold on to our pain, release it, or transform it.

When we hold on to it, it eats away at us.  While we think we are angry at the other person, rarely does our anger affect them, usually because we want nothing to do with them and avoid them at all costs.  It does however, affect us, physically, mentally, emotionally and yes even spiritually.   We begin to see our life through the filter of anger, it touches everything we do and everyone we come in contact with.  I'm sure you've met people who are just angry all the time over everything; do you want to be one of them?

Since we don't want to be angry all the time, we need to find a way to forgive which can be easier said than done.  Perhaps if we are able to even briefly step out of our emotional pain and look at the event through the filter of  'soul contract/life lesson' we might be able to figure out the lesson.  To be able to do is, is a blessing because it makes it easier to forgive and once we recognize and learn the lesson, we no longer experience similar events.  If something keeps happening to you, its because you haven't learned the core lesson, so the lesson keeps coming through different people and events.  So, just for a moment, think about a past betrayal/hurt - see it as though you were looking at it from the outside in, what do you see?  Do you see yourself in a relationship where you were playing a role rather than being who you really are?  Do you see a point where you were 'walking on eggshells' or 'playing the peacekeeper' just to try to maintain balance in the relationship?  Perhaps you were putting everyone else's needs above your own and felt neglected, unworthy, unloved?  What lesson does the event really hold for you when you look through this new perspective, keeping in mind all lessons/learnings are positive?  

When we have that aha moment, where we come to terms with the event, figure out the lesson, forgive all involved including ourselves, we can then transform it from a point of betrayal to a point of self-awareness and enlightenment.  Once we have forgiven them, we can then decide if forgiveness includes continuing the relationship within a new framework/dynamic or blessing it for the lesson it gave us and releasing it.  If we choose to release it, we release it by wishing the other person well and knowing in our hearts we truly mean it. 

Where We Need To Be

Life has a way of re-prioritizing itself especially when you *think* you have your priorities straight. So while writing several blog posts was on my priority list for June, it didn't happen; life did.

June 2012 was a busy month for me in an oddly indirect way.  One of my oldest and closest friends got married to her high school sweetheart.  What makes this a big deal is that happened 35 years after high school.  They had parted ways while she was still in high school, both had married someone else, had children, gotten divorced and then had found each other again.  In finding each other they finally realized they had always loved each other and that they wanted to be together, so on June 23rd, 2012, they married.

Another dear friend celebrated a milestone birthday on June 30th.  We have been friends since high school, so celebrating in a big way was in order.  A 5-day weekend birthday gathering at a home in a resort area of northern Ontario, Canada.  That's a lot of celebrating!

I was also contacted by a friend I had not seen in years; literally decades.  She had moved to Florida and while we stayed in touch via email and the occasional phone call, I honestly can't remember the last time I physically saw her.  Her email to me was to say she was going to be in town as her mother in law was terminally ill and expected to pass on in a matter of days.

What ties all these events together is the passage of time, meaningful relationships and how life weaves people in and out of our lives at various times and always brings us to where we need to be and when we need to be there.

This is all well and good when its happy events.  We readily accept that we are meant to be there, to celebrate, to be a part of this joyous occasion; but sometimes we are faced with the other side of the coin.  Sometimes, we feel we are meant to be somewhere; but for one reason or another, weren't there.  We struggle to accept things unfold the way they are meant to and that if we were truly meant to be there, we would have been.  I experienced this first hand in June as well.  At the beginning of the month I had been contacted by a colleague of my father's who had informed me there was going to be a memorial tribute to my dad at a conference.  The problem was, it was the same day as my friend's wedding. Honestly, I was devastated.  There was no way I could be in two places at once and I was torn; I wanted to be at the conference and be part of that tribute; yet how could I possibly let down a friend on her happiest day?  To say I struggled with it would be an understatement, yet in my heart I knew that if I had meant to be at that conference, it would have been on a date that I would have been able to attend. I had to accept and believe that, for whatever reason, it was more important for me to be at the wedding; so that is where I was.

So often, this sense of "I was meant to be there but wasn't" is experienced when a loved one has died. I hear the remorse, the guilt, the shame in the one phrase spoken by family and friends alike:  "I should have been there".

I've heard stories of people rushing to the bedside of a dying family member or friend, only to arrive literally moments too late and being devastated.  Stories of people who had sat by the bedside of a parent or grandparent and who just for a minute leave their side and in that moment the person dies.  How often I have heard "I should have stayed", "I should have been there", "I should have gone sooner", "I should have visited more", the list goes on.

Yet we are always where we are meant to be; so in reality, you were not meant to be there.  You were not meant to witness a loved one's passing.  What if, your loved one actually waited until you were out of the room simply because they loved you so much they didn't want your last memory of them to be of them taking their last breath?  What if all the reasons you didn't visit sooner was part of a bigger life plan to ensure your memory of the person was filled with happy memories rather than of them struggling with illness?  What if, in some way their passing brings you closer to your destiny/purpose/calling/path?  What if, their dying was to inspire you to live fully? To dare to follow a dream?  To make the most of your life?

The lives of others weave in and out of our own always at the right time and place to aid in transforming our life and furthering our life journey.  We are always where we are meant to be and when we can accept "where we are" is exactly perfect in this moment, we can then gain insight into where we are heading and appreciate those we meet along the way for they bless our lives ~ always, for they too are exactly where they need to be.