Just Ask

"The answer will always be 'no' unless you ask"

Why is it people have such a difficult time asking for what they want?  Is it really because they believe the answer will be 'no' or is it, perhaps, because they fear the answer may actually be 'yes'?

Remember when you were a kid, you had no problem asking for what you wanted.  It didn't mean you always got it, but you asked (and sometimes pleaded, bargained or begged) fearlessly; hopefully; and with the belief that somehow the answer would be 'yes'.  What happened to that child?  When did you decide that asking for what you want was a bad idea?  If you were to know, at what point did you decide that there was no sense in asking because the answer is always going to be 'no'?

When I was in corporate, I was always amazed at the number of colleagues who wouldn't ask their boss for what they needed.  Whether it was help on a project, more training, flex hours, a raise, a promotion, you name it, they wouldn't ask.  You see, they had already decided the boss would say 'no' to their request so in their mind, there was no point in even asking. At the same time they were resentful of some of their colleagues, who, in their eyes, the boss favored by giving their colleagues all kinds of opportunities while they alone continued to struggle in silence.

One of the key differences though, was not a matter of favoritism, but one of asking and knowing how to ask.  It's not just about asking for what you want, it's about being able to see the bigger picture; being able to fully grasp how what you are asking for will not only benefit you but others as well.  It's about asking in a way that will ensure you will be heard and understood.   It doesn't matter if you are asking the boss for the opportunity to take a training course or if you are asking your kids to help out around the house; how you ask is as important as what you are asking for because others need to be able to relate how your ask is not only for your benefit but for the greater good of all.

Of course, this applies only when you actually want the answer to be 'yes'.  There are times when individuals actually don't ask because they are afraid the answer will be yes.  They are conflicted; part of them wants the answer to be yes, yet part of them fears what will happen if the answer is yes.  I know, it seems strange and perhaps a hard concept to really wrap your mind around, however, there are individuals who rather blame the boss/friend/family member for saying 'no' without ever asking them than run the risk of asking and getting a yes.

How is this possible?  Why on earth would they do it?  Well, it's a self-sabotage behavior they created at some point in their life to keep them safe. Safe in this case means things remain the same.  The problem with always being safe is if nothing changes then you are stuck!  Let me use the opportunity to take a training course as an example.

For someone who really wants to take the course is willing to ask, they are going to ensure they are fully prepared before asking.  They willingly share the details of the training, demonstrate how it fits into their job, the department, the company.  In other words, why taking this training course would be a win-win.

For someone who is conflicted, they are either not going to ask and bemoan the fact they never get the opportunities others do or they will ask in a way that will guarantee the answer will be no.  Either way the end result ensures they are 'safe' because they will not be put in a position of having to take the training.  After all, what if, they take the training and it increases their workload?  What if, they take the training and are not able to implement what they have learned?  What if, they take the training and are unable to grasp it? " What if...."  In their minds the 'what ifs' are risks they are unwilling to take, it is safer not to take the training than run the risk of taking it and making things worse for themselves.  Yet the problem is, by not taking the training they are missing an opportunity to learn and grow which may in turn limit their ability to move up through the company or to act on other opportunities simply because their fear of 'what if' has them completely stuck.

Most people need to learn how to ask for what they want.  Asking takes a lot of the drama, angst, resentment and fear out of our lives.  It creates healthier relationships both at work and at home.  Asking for what we want takes out the need for others attempt to read our minds.  Clarity, transparency, open communication with the intention of a win-win scenario makes for a happier, more harmonious and productive relationships both at the office and at home.  

While you may not always get a 'yes' to your every request, if you never ask you are guaranteed the answer will always be no.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain if you Just Ask!