THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS OF PTSD

 

 

This blog post ties into the PTSD chat podcast and the #PTSDChat on twitter on 

Wed. Oct. 20, 2021

Consider this:

“The prime directive of the unconscious mind is to keep you safe.”

Your unconscious mind runs your body, your responses, it holds your values, beliefs and morals. It doesn’t filter anything. So negative thoughts, beliefs and feelings and positive thoughts, beliefs and feelings are the same to the unconscious mind; it’s all just data for the unconscious mind to use to run your body. It also has no concept of time, so it can literally respond instantly.

So, if the unconscious mind is going to use everything as data, then ideally, giving it as much positive data to help in your healing and well being is just another tool you can use to your benefit. So let’s look at things through a different perspective. Let’s take a look at ourselves through the looking glass of PTSD symptomology and gain some insight into how we can make small changes which have the potential to make a big impact. It’s all in your (unconscious) mind.

Now, let’s take a look at how we speak about ourselves and our health. Are we speaking in positive terms? Think about it. If someone were to ask you:

“How are you?” what would your answer be? I am amazed by how many people answer this question with “I’m not bad…”  “Not bad” does not mean “good”!  The word with the most impact in this response is “bad”. The unconscious takes this data and processes it as “feel bad” and you will find as the day goes on, you begin to feel worse than you did earlier in the day.  

Want some immediate proof? When someone says, “You look great!” or compliments you, your body immediately responds. You smile, your stand a little taller, your energy picks up, you may even talk about changes you have made to your routine.  If they say “Are you ok, you look pale” what’s your immediate response? “You start to feel tired, your comments reflect theirs and you say things like “I didn’t sleep well” “I think I’m coming down with a cold” etc.  This is how quickly the unconscious mind can impact the body.

Listen to the words you use. Talk about healing without linking it directly to illness. Talk about your progress rather than what you are still working on. “I’m sleeping so much better these days” rather than “I only get 5 hours of sleep a night, if I’m lucky”. “I am feeling a little more comfortable being around people (or in crowds) now.” “Things are improving; I feel good about my progress”. This isn’t about affirmations, its about recognizing and acknowledging our progress and speaking about it in the most positive terms. We want as much positive data going into our unconscious minds as possible to increase our progress. We want our mind to work with us to heal body, mind and spirit.  

So let’s look at the body and what the unconscious mind tells us through our body. We very often speak our pain unconsciously. “I feel like I’m carrying the world on my shoulders”. Do you have shoulder pain? Back pain? Arm and/or hand pain? Ask yourself “what are am I carrying?” It can be emotional, or mental, or physical both our own baggage and also from the perspective of providing/caring for others.

Giving others emotional support, financial support, or doing tasks/errands/taking them to appointments, etc. has a physical impact on you as you are carrying their needs as well as your own. You may even be prioritizing their needs over your own to the point where the physical body is telling you that you cannot keep carrying/shouldering all this. Your shoulders ache, your back hurts. What steps can you take to improve the physical manifestation of what you’re carrying? Massage, working out, physiotherapy, gardening/yardwork, stretching, mindful walking, even journaling may help to shift the pain because you’re getting it out of your system by writing it down. Also the most obvious, prioritize you and your healing.

Lower body issues, tie into “relationships”, “support” and “life balance”.  Ask yourself, “Where am I not being supported?” “Where do I believe/think (or am being told) I am not supporting others?”(also known as guilt) or “What area of my life is unbalanced?” If it’s mobility issues, ask “Where am I stuck?” or “What is stopping me from moving forward?”

Flexibility issues anywhere in the body can be seen as “Where am I being inflexible?” Or “Am I being too rigid in my thinking, in my feelings, in my relationships?” Tie this together into upper body “carrying” or lower body “relationships/support/life balance” and feel how ties together. So, for example, if the joints of the legs are feeling stiff, what you may need to ask yourself is “Where I am being inflexible about giving or receiving support?” Are you only willing to accept support on your terms? Are you only willing to provide support under certain conditions? Do you feel like you don’t need anyone’s support, that you have to do everything on your own? “Where am I being inflexible in my relationships?” (spouse, kids, friends, colleagues, etc)

And finally, let’s talk about your spirit. Your unconscious mind holds your deepest beliefs, your values, your morals. You could call it your soul or the core of your being, the very essence of you. Unfortunately, we can experience trauma to our spirit. Things happen that “shake your faith” that shatter your world and you are set adrift, feeling lost and alone. Healing from a moral trauma can be one of the most challenging. We often want to know “why”. Why me?, Why this?, Why now?...why…why….why.   We want answers, we want justice, we want to believe in good, we want to have faith in ourselves and in others. Moral traumas, tear us to the very core of our being.

This for me, is the one I find is the most challenging. To regain faith. What I have found, through my own PTSD experience is I had to let go of the “why”. We can create answers, or be given answers, yet neither really give us peace as we feel there has to be “more to it than that” and we continually search for the answer to “why”.

Dropping the need to know “why”, is the only way I have found some peace. I have learned to accept the event as “it was what it was”, so it has now become a neutral thought. I am making progress in my healing around the event. Have I made peace with it completely? My answer is “It’s still a work in progress”. Do I have peace? Some, I am still working on gaining more peace. Do I believe I will ever be at peace with it? Yes. I am looking forward to the day when I’m at peace with it and my faith in myself and others has been rebuilt.

Healing mind, body and spirit is a journey. When we are able to draw conscious awareness from all three aspects, we are able to provide the unconscious mind with much more positive data to help enhance and speed up our healing journey.

Blessing to you as you journey along your path to healing.

 Bren

 

 

 

Running My PTSD Life

August 18th, 2014, changed my life; and not for the better. 90 seconds is all it took. The time it took a traffic light to change from red to green, my life, as I had known it, lived it, no longer existed. 

 It was around 6:30pm, the tail end of rush hour traffic made the street busy and I stopped for a red light at an intersection I have travelled through literally thousands of times; it’s on my route to everywhere I go. I looked up to see a man walking toward me, arm outstretched. It took a few seconds to realize there was a gun in his hand. My first thought was I was being car-jacked. He stopped four feet from me with the gun pointed at me, then turned and fired into the car in front of me. I watched in horror as the car slowly veered off the road.

I stopped breathing. My logical brain was saying “remember the details so you can tell the police” while my emotions were telling me I was about to become, what’s known as collateral damage. I blinked. The shooter was gone. The light turned green. The cars that had been in front of the car that had been shot were gone, other people were rushing to the people who had been shot. My mind was still trying to come to grips with what happened. It made no sense. Then again, trying to put a rational explanation on an irrational act isn’t going to make sense. I could hear the sirens as they raced to the scene. The next five and a half years were the hardest, darkest days of my life.

I had always loved life. I always had a suitcase half packed because I could, at a moment’s notice, take a trip. Often by plane and sometimes by car, driving thousands of miles alone. I was independent and free. Prior to this incident, I ran 5km regularly and worked out. Suddenly I found I was afraid to walk out my door. Driving anywhere was terrifying. Traffic lights, road construction, stop signs, jaywalkers all sent my anxiety soaring to the point where I did my best to avoid driving anywhere. I used to love driving now it was one of my greatest fears. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t focus. I gained weight, a lot of weight. I apologized for everything…all the damn time. My life and my world had closed in on me and I mourned the life I lost and hated the person I had become. 

I sought help and got help and was thankful for it. However, every time I started to feel better, an officer of the court would show up at my door with a subpoena to testify. In total, I testified at five separate homicide trials in four years all relating to this one incident. Each time I was subpoenaed, I relived the trauma and the symptoms it invoked. The fifth subpoena broke me. It broke my faith, my hope, my will.  

After the fifth trial, I received word that it may be retried due to some point of law and that I may be called to testify again. To say I struggled with this information would be a mild understatement. I actually told them I couldn’t do this again, that it was killing me. Their response was, “well, it would probably be two years before we could bring it back to trial, so you will have time to recover before you have to go through it again.” At this point I felt this nightmare would never end. My grandmother had a saying that went “No good deed goes unpunished”. That’s how it felt; that I was being punished for doing the right thing; for coming forward and testifying. 

I had grown used to surviving on less than three hours of sleep a night and the constant exhaustion. I felt brittle all the time, as though all it would take was one more small thing to shatter me completely. I was clinging to threads while trying to pretend, for the sake of others, that I was OK. I didn’t want them to worry about me. I didn’t want them to ask what they could do to help because I had no idea how they could help; I had no idea how to help myself. 

I was afraid to feel happy because whenever I did, a subpoena would arrive. Somewhere in my mind, I had created and anchored the belief that if I didn’t feel good, the subpoena wouldn’t arrive.

I did what little I could do. Unconsciously, I was waiting for the officer of the court to show up again. It was pointless to even try to feel better because I was going to relive the trauma yet again. Time ticked on. The two-year period the court had mentioned had come and gone without a subpoena arriving. Once that happened, I began to think this nightmare was finally over. At that point I began to get four hours of uninterrupted sleep a night; something that I had not experienced in almost 6 years. It was a start, a turning point, something to give me hope. 

A consistent amount of sleep a night has done wonders for me. While it took me a couple of months to really begin to feel mentally and emotionally better, there has been a definite change. I was able to focus. I was able to go out on my own once in a while without feeling anxious.

In May, I decided I wanted to start to run again though to do that I would have to start by walking as I was so out of shape. I didn’t have the confidence to walk outside alone, so I opted for the treadmill doing 5 kms most days. Two months went by and I continued to do 5 km on the treadmill. 

July 16th, I did something I never thought I would be able to do again, I went for a 5km run in my neighbourhood. It wasn’t a fast run, it was more of a run, walk, run, walk thing, but I did it and I did it alone. Granted it was at 5:30 in the morning when no one was around (which made me feel safe) but I did it and I continue to do it. My time is improving, a lot less walking, a lot more running and a feeling of being free. Oh how I have missed that feeling of being free! With freedom came a sense of happiness and hope for better days ahead. In the last month I have felt better than I have in six years. I have finally broken through the darkness of my PTSD and am moving towards a brighter tomorrow. 

Has it been easy? Hell no. Has there been setbacks? More than I care to count. Last year I had thought I had a breakthrough only to hit a major setback. What I have learned (and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn) is there is no going back to the life I had before. It doesn’t exist because that person no longer exists. The incident affected my mind, my emotions and my body without a doubt. It also shattered my spirit. The core of my being, my sense of right and wrong, of justice, of the goodness of people, my faith. This kind of moral injury is life changing and there’s no going back; the only way is forward.

To heal and move forward, I had to do let go of that life and that version of me. I picked up the most important pieces of both and they became the foundation of my new life. I have a new clarity on who and what matters to this new me. I have become very selective about how I spend my time and with whom. I have no interest in arguing over petty, little things that will be of no importance a month from now. There is peace in my life. The people in my life mean the world to me; they are who I want to spend my time with. Being of service to others, helping them find their way through the darkness is what I want to do. I have a new appreciation for the simple beauty in life; for the blessings in my life…and for my life. With each new day, I am slowly beginning to love the me I am becoming. I lost a life I loved, yet, like the phoenix, I have risen from the ashes with a sense of joy and wonder about this new life I am creating. 

There is no going back. You have to find your way through the PTSD darkness to the light and life that awaits you. I am walking the path. I know you can too and if you need me to, I’ll walk it with you. 

Blessings to you.

~ Bren

Happiness Found

*Warning - may be triggering to those with PTSD*

When I passed my driver's test at the age of sixteen, in a 5 - speed stick shift car, I fell in love with driving. Driving gave me a sense of happiness, of freedom, of adventure.  As long as I was on my way to somewhere, regardless of the weather, I was always happiest behind the wheel of a car.

Then, in August of 2014 all that changed. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was stopped at a traffic light at the tail-end of rush hour traffic when I was suddenly looking at someone who had a gun pointed at me, who then turned and fired into the car in front of me, shooting the occupants within.

In that moment, my life changed in so many ways; one of which was how I felt about driving. For the first three years after the shooting, driving was terrifying. I went from being happy behind the wheel of a car to suddenly seeing everything and everyone as a threat. Stop signs, red lights, construction zones, pedestrians and most especially jaywalkers invoked a level of sheer panic like nothing I could adequately explain. While my rational mind would tell me I was being ridiculous, my emotions were uncontrollable and my panic was overwhelming. The happiness driving had always given me was gone and I felt devastated that driving had become a terror instead of a joy.

It's been just over five years now since that event. Five.Long.Years.

Last year, things shifted slightly. I found I could drive without that overwhelming sense of panic. There were still times when bumper to bumper traffic or pedestrians had me panicking, but for the most part, I was OK. The happiness was still gone but at least so was the terror, so in my mind it was a "win" for me. If the joy of driving didn't return, at least the terror was gone. I could live with it being this way for the rest of my life.

Then last week something happened that was completely unexpected. On Friday afternoon, I went to meet a friend for coffee half way across the city. I got into my car and headed out to meet her, knowing traffic would already be "weekend busy', slow and congested, but I went anyway. I had been driving for about 10 minutes before I noticed, before I felt it; it had been so long....I was happy! Truly happy to be driving. The realization shocked me as I had resigned myself to a life without this happiness returning; yet, here it was. Strangely, it felt different. More intense, a deeper more appreciative feeling of happiness. I was amazed and overjoyed. For the first time in five years, I felt like the "me" I had lost that day in August of 2014.

What I know is this: trauma changes the very core of us. We are no longer the person we used to be. While we can mourn the loss of "the life we used to have", we must also create a new life from the point of trauma forward. There's no going back; you can only go forward. However, you get to choose what your life is going to look and feel like as you go forward. It may take time, it may not be easy, however, it is entirely possible to once again find happiness, love, laughter and what ever you had lost through your trauma. It will be different. However, different can mean it will be so much better than before. You just have to find your way and be willing to appreciate it when it finally arrives.

Blessings,

Bren

A New Chapter

A funny thing happened half way through July; I realized I was happy.  Really happy; for the first time in five years. It must have happened gradually, so gradually that I didn't even notice it happening. It is a somewhat unfamiliar feeling since I haven't felt this way since August of 2014.

You see, in August 2014, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and witnessed something horrific which changed my life drastically. I sought help, I got help. Every time I started to feel better, I ended up in court to testify which dragged me back down to where I was at the beginning. I ended up testifying four times in four years, 2014-2018. It felt like I was drowning; that I would never surface from this traumatic event; that it was never going to end.

Five years. Five years of nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, over analyzing, apologizing, exhaustion and a host of other symptoms. Anyone who has had one (or many) of these symptoms knows and understands the struggle. Every single day is a fight to get even the simplest things done. Its easy to lose hope, to feel things are never going to get better; life is never going to return to the way it was before the trauma.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I felt I was robbed of my life. All the things I loved to do had become difficult, if not impossible for me. I was a shell of my former self and while I was struggling to come to terms with it, my bigger struggle was with the negative thoughts I had about how I was failing those who loved me.

The people in my life who loved me, who were always supportive, didn't know what to do to help me even though they wanted so desperately to help. They struggled to understand what I was going through, yet without any kind of frame of reference, they just couldn't grasp how deeply I was sinking.  They  feared saying the wrong thing which left them with little to say. I understood this because I couldn't tell them or even begin to explain what was going on in my head, heart or soul. There were no words.

I continued to "work on me" a lot.  Late in 2018, I realized I was beginning to have "good days"; sometimes two or three days in a week.  For the first time in years, I had a glimmer of hope and at the same time I feared the thought of: "what if it doesn't last?"

When you've been in this kind of darkness for years, it becomes familiar and you might find you resign yourself to it. When a glimmer of hope appears, you want to grab it like a lifeline. Problem is, you've become accustomed to the hopelessness and grabbing onto hope and then having it taken away is even more soul crushing so it takes a huge leap of faith to grab it and not let go.

So I held onto the hope that there would be more good days. I was afraid to say it out loud, yet I became more consciously aware of the good days beginning to outnumber the bad and I stopped beating myself up about the bad days.

The first half of 2019 had some major ups and downs, yet I seemed to find I was able to cope; maybe not well, but well enough to get through things without having a meltdown.

In mid-July, I found myself laughing, really laughing for the first time since that fateful day in 2014.  When I heard myself truly laugh, it dawned on me that I was actually happy.  Not just momentarily happy, but happy without that edge of worry/anxiety.  It felt like my life was finally my own again and there are not enough words to express what that feels like after feeling like a prisoner for so long.

My life hasn't returned to what it used to be; there is no going back. The traumatic event has forever changed me at the very deepest level of my soul. However, from the ashes of that old life and a walk through hell, I have managed to create a new life which holds the potential for me to continue to build a life of hope, happiness, love, success and health.

I have experienced a lot and I have learned a lot in the process.  My goal now is to help others who are walking through their own hell (whatever that might be) and to guide them through to their new life so they can live fully and happily.  It is possible, I've been there...I've done it.

Blessings,

Bren

Like A Thief In The Night

It's been two years since the incident that caused my PTSD happened.  My life has changed dramatically since that fateful day. There are times when I feel I have come to terms with my new reality and then there are times when I long for the life I had pre-PTSD.

For me, PTSD has been like a thief in the night.  It has robbed me of so much.  Just like any robbery, you notice the big stuff that is missing first; the stuff that is obviously gone.  Yet as the initial shock wears off, you begin to notice other things are missing and as time goes on the list seems to grow longer and your sense of loss, frustration and hurt increases.

It's hard to explain what the last two years have been like for me.  The initial shock and terror; the sleepless nights, the nightmares when I did sleep.  The fear of being alone battling with the fear of being around people.  I was shattered, I felt fragile, lost.  Thankfully, I sought and got help early. However, while it made a huge difference in my ability to cope, it couldn't return me to the "me" I used to be.  I miss that me; more than words can say.

My sense of peace and being safe was stolen from me. I couldn't sleep, didn't sleep.  For the longest time I would consider it a good night if I got more than two hours of sleep a night.  Sleeping pills didn't help and the lack of sleep made me feel weak, fragile, brittle.  In the past I never worried about "being safe" I just knew I was and that allowed me the freedom to travel alone, to go wherever I wanted when I wanted. After the incident I had trouble even going grocery shopping alone; I felt robbed of my freedom.

Also stolen was the joy of driving.  Oh how I loved to drive.  Anywhere, everywhere, I would hop in my car and go.  I didn't think twice about travelling alone, going on road trips which were literally thousands of kilometers long.  Traffic and construction never bothered me.  As long as there were tunes to listen to and I was on my way to somewhere, I was happy. For months after the incident, I struggled to make the 30 minute drive to my boyfriend's home.  Traffic caused my heart to race; being stuck in gridlock would give rise to panic. Even stopping at traffic lights was stressful, pedestrians and jaywalkers all became potential threats. Even though I am much more comfortable driving these days, the joy of driving is no longer with me. I hope it will return; it was my bliss.

With time and help, I was able to adjust to my new way of living.  Then I got called to testify as a witness; twice.  Each time I had to go over (and over) what I witnessed. Afterwards, I felt spent and like I was right back at the scene, reliving it all over again and reliving the symptoms the initial experience created.  I felt robbed of the present and pushed back into the past, not once, but twice.  Stress, anxiety, and the feeling like I was living in an unending nightmare is how I felt after each court appearance.

After each court appearance, I waded through months of sleeplessness, moments of blind panic, days where I struggled to get things done. I had family and friends checking in on me.  I know they were worried; perhaps even a little afraid for me and they didn't know what to do to help me.  Funny thing is, I didn't know what they could do to help either. Days became weeks, weeks became months. There were a lot of bad days and also some good days. Then, slowly, the good days began to outnumber the bad until once again I was adjusting to a new norm.

I hoped, after the second court appearance, I would be able to put this all behind me once and for all so I could focus more on the present and future and the life I am now creating. Unfortunately, I will have another court appearance in 2017.While I'm not looking forward to being on the witness stand again, I am looking forward to an end to this chapter of my life. In the meantime, I'm working on staying present and taking each day as it comes.  It's been exactly two years since the incident happened and I can thankfully say in recent months I have had far more good days than bad; though sleep is still elusive at times.

While I have lost so much,  I have gained a lot as well.  The incident changed my priorities and reminded me how blessed I am to be alive.  I very easily could have been "collateral damage" killed because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Yet I am here. Yes, my life isn't the same, but in some ways it's better.  Now I make time and take time to be with family and friends. Its not always easy, but I don't put off spending time with those who matter because who knows what tomorrow may bring.   I also speak from the heart, I no longer just assume people in my life know how important they are to me; I tell them often. 

Most of all , I was fortunate that I got help literally a week after the incident. I opted for non-traditional modalities which included hypnosis, Timeline Therapy and Neurolinguistic Programming. The same type of work I use with my clients because I know from past experience it works. I have found I am stronger than I ever believed, even though I have moments of weakness.  I have gained a level of knowledge and understanding which allows me to help others through whatever challenges they face. 

It's hard for friends and family to understand the long term impact trauma can have; let alone grasp the multitude of ways, both big and small, it changes your life, thoughts, beliefs and even your values.   Yet when you realize there is help available (both traditional and non-traditional) which will help you move forward, then there is hope for you to have a happier, healthier life.  Seek out what works for you; if you aren't getting results, try something else and keeping trying until you find one which gives you the results you are seeking. You know better than anyone what is right for you; and it's all about you getting the help you need in a way which works for you.

While some days life is rough, believe there are better days ahead.  Ask me,  I know and I can help.

~ Bren 

What's Your Strategy?

Let's talk strategies.  More specifically let's talk about the difference between "Away From" strategies and "Toward" strategies.  Why are they different, which strategy do you regularly use, why it's important to know, and how to tell the difference.

Before we can talk strategies, we first need grasp on how we express them; quite literally, our choice of words.  The words we choose reveal far more about our thought processes than most of us realize. We like to believe we are "thinking and speaking" in positive terms, yet, more often than not, we are unconsciously choosing to focus on the negative.  Having a hard time believing that?  Let me give you a quick example.

If I were to ask you, "How are you?"  what would your immediate answer be?

Most people would respond "Not bad".  There it is, the negative focus.  Why?  Because what word in that phrase is positive?  Neither of them. The positive response to the question is "Good"...or "Fine" or even "OK". Any of these are better than "not bad."

Let me give you another example to wrap your mind around.  Take a look at the two phrases below; you may even want to read them aloud so you can see which sounds and feels positive.

"Don't fall"
"Be careful"

"Don't fall" puts emphasis on what you don't want someone to do. Again, because neither word in the phrase is a positive one, its a negative statement. "Be careful" puts emphasis exactly where it should be, encouraging someone to take care.

Get it?  Good.  Now let's apply that to the concept of  Away From Strategies vs. Towards Strategies.

Away From strategies are driven by the need to get away from something (a negative). Therefore, your motivation to change whatever the issue is begins to fade as soon as you are far enough away from whatever is causing you discomfort/pain/anxiety.

Toward strategies are driven by the desire to move toward (achieve) something (positive). Therefore, motivation to change is maintained until you achieve your goal and new habits/behaviours are created through the process of achieving the goal.

At first glance, you may feel they are the same, however, let me explain why they are different and why it's important to know which strategy you tend to favour.

Let's use weight as an example,

You step on the scales one morning and you see your weight is up to "Y" which is a number you really don't like. In that moment you decide you need to do something about it. You decide to lose weight.

OK.  You made the decision.  You decide you have to lose weight to get away from the number "Y". This is the basis of an Away From strategy.  It's about being uncomfortable where you are and needing to get away from there.  The problem with Away From strategies is it creates a yo-yo affect. So the initial drive to lose weight is solely driven by the need to not weigh"Y". So as soon as you are far enough away from "Y", your motivation fades. Note too the choice of words "lose weight" the focus is negative because it's about "losing" and "weight".

Let me outline it for you.
1. You see "Y" on the scale and decide it's an unacceptable weight for you
2. You decide to do something about it - lose weight  (this is your motivation)
3. You start dieting and exercising and you begin losing weight.
4. As the numbers on the scale decrease and move away from "Y" your motivation to diet and exercise starts to lag a bit because now you have lost enough weight to be a comfortable/safe number of pounds away from "Y" though not necessarily at a weight you would like to be.
5. As your motivation dwindles you decide a little "cheat" here and there won't hurt
6. Weight loss slows but it's OK because you are still losing though you still aren't at a weight you would like to be.
7. Then your weight loss stalls then stops - you're no longer losing weight but you don't weigh "Y" so it's still OK.
8. Then, over time your weight begins to slowly climb again to "Y"
9. Suddenly you're at Y again, and that's unacceptable, and so you begin the pattern again by deciding it's time to lose weight.

It could be weight loss (or gain), smoking, school grades, finances, working on goals; anything in which you are seeking a certain outcome.  Whatever it is, an Away From strategy is only going to get you so far because the motivation for change decreases as you move away from whatever is causing the concern/problem.  As soon as you are far enough away from "it", it feel comfortable, your motivation to continue stalls and you don't reach your goal. Away From strategies create frustration and a sense of failure because you are unable to reach your goal or maintain it if you should achieve it.

So what is a Towards Stratgey?

Towards strategies are based on moving towards something.  Let's use the weight loss scenario again so you can fully grasp the concept.

1. You see "Y" on the scale and decide it's an unacceptable weight for you
2. You decide to do something about it  - You focus on becoming healthier and weighing X - this is your motivation (note the positive phrasing)
3. You create a plan (milestones/steps) to eat better, be more active, create healthy habits which in turn start lowering the number on the scale. .
4. As the scale moves down towards "X" you feel physically better and more energized which encourages to continue on and make any necessary adjustments needed to continue your progress to becoming healthy.
5. Because the motivation is health based instead of based on getting away from weighing "Y", it is easier to stick to it because you can feel yourself getting healthier and see you are getting closer to weighing X.
6. When the goal is reached, new healthier routines/habits have been created through the process and has created a desire to stay healthy which, in turn, will help you maintain a healthy weight.

Which strategy do you usually use?  If you are regularly using an Away From strategy it is likely you spend a lot of time and energy trying to 'fix' the same thing over and over again (yo-yo dieting it a great example of this).  It's time, now, to consciously choose a Towards Strategy so you can achieve what you want, when you want it.

As always, the choice is yours to make.

Say What?

In working with clients I often find myself explaining the importance and power of words; the words we choose to say to others and the words we say to ourselves (our self-talk).  While we know the words we choose to say to others has the ability to lift them up or tear them down,  most people don't realize their self-talk has the same power.

Self-talk.  We all do it; whether consciously or unconsciously.  It's the running commentary in our heads which occasionally also passes over our lips so we physically hear ourselves.  Comments like "I'm so stupid", "I have no willpower", "I can't do this", "I'm not smart/thin/young enough" (or anything else you believe you're "not").  You get the idea.  Often the things we say to ourselves are far from supportive, positive or nice. We are critical, judgmental and, well, downright mean to ourselves. Beating ourselves up lowers our self-esteem and saps our ability to believe in ourselves.

This kind of negative self-talk undermines you and your goals.  You see, your unconscious mind takes in all you say to yourself and about yourself; and it happens in the blink of an eye.  Now, you may say, "yeah, I said I was stupid...but I didn't mean it." However, your unconscious mind doesn't judge or filter what it hears and holds on to; it simply takes it all in.

Consider this, you start your day feeling happy and physically well.  Now, you happen to run into a friend or colleague and after a brief greeting this person says to you "You look tired, are you feeling OK?"  In a flash your unconscious mind clicks onto the statement and you suddenly start to feel tired and you wonder if you might be coming down with something.  It happens so quickly you don't even realize it. Now, if someone else can have this kind of an impact on you, just imagine the impact your own thoughts and words have on your mental, emotional and physical well-being.

It's within our self-talk that we create a lot of our self-limiting beliefs which in turn sabotage our goals.  Self-limiting beliefs stop us from trying new things and make our world smaller and less fulfilling.   In some ways, it is our unconscious way of "staying safe" by limiting us to what we know and believe, even if it makes us miserable because the limitations are familiar and therefore safer than the unknown.

When your negative self-talk robs you from: achieving goals, taking a chance on an opportunity, growing personally or professionally, developing new relationships, trying new things or going to new places, then the reality is you are robbing yourself of living life fully.

There is so much life has to offer and there is so much you have to offer life; it's time to ditch the negative self-talk and empower yourself.

As with everything in life ~ the choice is yours.

~ Bren

Do The Right Thing

I believe most people were raised not only with the understanding of right and wrong, but also taught to 'do the right thing'.

As I sit here, outside a courtroom, waiting to be called to testify in a homicide case, I have time to think about the vast difference between knowing what's right and doing what's right.

Just over a year ago, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up witnessing what turned out to be a homicide.  When it happened, I knew the right thing to do was to stay and talk to the police. However, I was terrified.  I had been literally within feet of the shooter, the gun at one point had been pointed at me and in the moments after the shooting had taken place, I had lost track of where the shooter went.  I knew the right thing was to stay, yet the sheer terror of what happened pushed me to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

Yet here I am, outside a courtroom. Why?  Because I knew the right thing was to talk to the police. Granted, I left the scene, however, hours later I walked into a police station and told them I had witnessed the shooting.  Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it wasn't easy because I knew what was likely to happen; that eventually I would end up in court as a witness.... and here I am.

What I have learned over the past year is it often takes courage to 'do the right thing'.  When the shooting happened there were easily 200 people around if not more; yet only 16 people gave statements to the police.   I get it.  It was surreal, it was terrifying, and giving a statement to the police puts you in a position where you are likely going to have to testify at a trial.  Not only that, there are other things to think about.  What about the risk?  By giving a statement to the police are you putting yourself or your loved ones in the cross-hairs?  How long before it goes to trial?  If it does, do you have testify?  How will it impact your life?  Will it ever really be over?  Trust me, I get it.  I've been there....I AM there.  Yet even with all these thoughts, knowing this was going to be impacting my life for a long time, I still gave the police a statement.

Why?  

Simply because I could have easily been killed that day. I know my family would hope there would be someone who would come forward with information.  Someone had died that day for whatever reason.  They had family and friends who loved them, and deserve some sort of closure. The only way that will happen is through the help of strangers who were there who were willing to provide statements to the police.

Doing the right thing isn't easy; in fact, in this instance, it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I may end up in court three more times before this is over and it may take until some time in 2017 before it's finally finished.  While at times I feel like my life is on hold until it's done, I can, at least, take comfort in the fact that while I may lose sleep over what I saw, at least I'm not losing sleep over not doing what I know what the right thing.  

As they say "This too shall pass".

A Year Later

It's been just over a year since PTSD changed my life.  Some days it seems like it happened yesterday, other days it feels like I've been dealing with it forever.  While my SO tells me I'm doing great, I must admit I don't feel like I am.  Perhaps I'm just being overly self-critical; it's been known to happen as anyone who knows me will attest.

Yesterday, the homicide detective I spoke with last year called me with some more news.  You see, I'm expected to testify in court later this month.  I've known since July which is when the subpoena arrived. I've had many sleepless nights since then. At the same time, I kept thinking "at least this will close this chapter of my life". I was wrong.

The detective informed me they had two people in custody and both were being charged with murder and attempted murder.   There will be separate trials and, unfortunately, this means I will be expected to testify at both preliminary hearings and both trials.

This also means meetings with the Crown (prosecuting) attorney and the detective prior to all these events. The detective was almost apologetic as he told me this, probably because he knew how this news would affect me. 

There was not much I could say or do other than set up a date and time to meet with the detective and Crown attorney.  

So my journey continues.  While I know and believe "This too shall pass" at the present time it doesn't feel that way.  I feel tired, frustrated, heartbroken, fragile. In the big scheme of things I know it's OK to feel this way; really, when you think about it, who wouldn't? 

I know in a few days, maybe a week, I will once again strengthen my resolve and move forward.  But for now, I am just overwhelmed. I need to allow myself to adjust to this new development and then do what I need to do to get through this next stage.  I know I am not alone; I have a great deal of love and support around me which I am beyond thankful for.  

What I have learned in the past year through this experience is the therapies I use while working with clients (and the ones I chose for my own healing) make it easier to adjust to whatever life brings.  

My experience has given me the ability to assist my clients in new ways because I have a deeper understanding of their challenges.  They say "there's a reason for everything"; so perhaps the reason I am going through this is so I can be of assistance to others.  Being able to better help others with PTSD would make this all worth it. 

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Little Victories

As I continue to build my life in spite of having PTSD, I have come to appreciate what I refer to as the little victories.

The "little victories" are things that were once easy for me, day to day things like grocery shopping, filling my gas tank at a self-serve station, long road trips alone, going to the theatre, being out in crowds at concerts or other public events. Doing things on my own and being able to be alone.  These things were commonplace for me 13 months ago.   They were things I loved to do and did frequently all my adult life.

Then in August of 2014, everything changed.   Witnessing a violent crime left me with PTSD and it changed my life. 

Since then, I have been working to build a new life.  Finding my way through sleepless nights, moments of panic, doubt and frustration. I have a lot of really good days; and some not so good.

What I have learned through all this is to appreciate the little victories and this week there were a couple of them.  The biggest being a road trip alone to a friend's cottage.   Two years ago I wouldn't have even given this a thought, I would have just hopped into my car and gone. Now, it was a very conscious decision and even deciding to go caused a fair amount of anxiety.   The driving itself wasn't the problem, it was the thought of being stuck in traffic and even worse, the thought of having to stop on the way for gas or a bathroom break.   It was challenging and at a couple of points during the drive I thought "I can't do this" especially when traffic slowed to a crawl and I felt trapped and the panic began to rise.  I somehow pressed on.  Then I needed to stop for gas.  It was late on a Friday afternoon, it was a highway stop, so it was busy, so very busy and so many people walking around.  I sat in my car in the parking lot, unable to get out and not willing to drive over to the gas pump.  I knew I was being irrational but knowing didn't change the panic I felt. 

I ended up texting my SO.   He was supportive, calming, and kept texting me until I felt that I could go fill my gas tank. Unfortunately, just as I started to fill the tank a guy came up behind me. He scared the hell out of me.   He was just someone giving a demo of a car product, but I didn't see him approach me and to turn to find someone standing right next to me was just too much for me to take. I stopped the pump, told him I wasn't interested, almost bolted into my car and drove off.  Problem being that I had only managed to put $25 worth of fuel in my car which meant I'd have to stop on my way home to fill up. Yet it was still a little victory because I DID pump gas at a busy station and I didn't have a full blown panic attack; I was simply shaken and a call to my SO was enough to calm me down.  

I made it to the cottage and the relief and happiness I felt was enormous.   It had been over a year since I had driven any distance alone; this was and is one of those little victories that mean so much especially since I really didn't know if I would ever be able to drive long distances alone again. This proved I could and would, in time, be able to travel as I once did. 

Another was going to Stratford to see a play with my SO.  Granted, it was mid-week and the theatre was only 2/3 full, but I was able to be there, surrounded by strangers and still manage to enjoy the production without feeling anxious or overwhelmed. 

They seem small, simple things.  In truth they are, yet through the lens of PTSD they are big for they represent progress; signs that I am moving forward and my life is mine to build each and every day.  I can't change what happened to me, however, I can choose how to build a new life; one I define for myself rather than allowing what happened and PTSD to define me. 

We all get to choose how we move forward. Whether it's through traditional or non-traditional therapies, the choice is ours to make.  There are a lot of therapies available; if something doesn't or isn't working for you, try something else.  You are the best judge of what and who you need to work with to work through your PTSD and build your life anew.

While my work continues to be helping others make the most of their lives, I find myself especially wanting to help those with PTSD because I know what it's like to live with it.  I believe it is possible to build a new, happy, healthy life and we don't have to struggle alone, we simply need to find the right therapy and practitioner to guide us along the way.

The Call

It came today.  The phone call I have been dreading; the one that I knew would eventually come.  It took 11 months to arrive, but arrive it did; and I'll be honest, I cried after I hung up.

As you probably know, I witnessed a violent crime last year; a murder.  As horrific as it was, and as challenging as dealing with PTSD is and continues to be, the thing that loomed like a dark presence in my life was "the call".  I knew it would come, I didn't know when, but I knew at some point, the police would contact me to say I was going to have to testify in court.

Today was that day.  The detective was polite and professional.  Simply stating this was a courtesy call to let me know I will be receiving a subpoena to witness in the next few weeks and a meeting will be set for me to meet with the Crown Attorney to discuss the incident.   Since it happened, I have always referred to it as "the incident" and to hear the detective refer to it the same way was a little surprising; then again, I suppose it is less likely to trigger an emotional response, and since I was already near tears, I appreciated the small gesture.

He could not give me an exact date as to when I would be expected in court, but did say the trial will likely take 3 months; from September through November.  So my dark presence is looming closer; hovering there as a constant reminder.  

My hope is once I am through this ordeal I will be able to move forward with my life.  Time will tell.  For now, I simply have to get through each day as they come and do my best to stay in the present moment; for, if nothing else, this experience has taught me we only have the present, the future is not guaranteed by any stretch of the imagination.  So the best I can do is to do my best each day, knowing that some days will be better than others....and that "this too shall pass."  I just have to have faith things will get better.

Eight Months Later

It's been eight months since I witnessed a violent crime and subsequently ended up with PTSD.  My journey thus far has been....challenging. One generally associates PTSD with those who serve in the military or are first responders (rightfully so), yet there are others, who, like me, were in the wrong place at the wrong time and witnessed or were victims of a horrific act. 

In the early days, I was just numb, unable  to sleep, I couldn't be in crowds and ironically I also couldn't be alone.   I didn't think I had PTSD: I figured as soon as the shock wore off, I'd be fine and life would return to normal.   The shock wore off, but life didn't return to normal. 

I sought help, I got help; and in the process I also learned first hand what it's like to live with PTSD. In the first couple of months people were shocked to hear of my experience and were sympathetic. Yet as time ticked on, they found it difficult to understand why I wasn't back to my usual self; why wasn't I over it, after all, it happened months ago, all I needed to do was just let it go.

I wish it was that simple.

You see, the incident changed me in a way most people can't imagine or even begin to understand; though I believe those with PTSD know what I'm talking about.  Something within me shattered; it's difficult to put into words.  Perhaps it was my faith in the goodness of people, or justice, or God, or something else that I can't quite name.  What shattered was something that "made me...me".  A part of me that has always existed and now doesn't.  It changed my perspective, it shattered my beliefs, it left me with a void within me which is hard to define and even harder to explain. So like almost all PTSD sufferers, I generally don't talk about it with anyone; not even my SO who happens to be a first responder.  How ironic, I had been worried about him ending up with PTSD and I am the one with it.

So often people will have an experience which "changes their life forever".   Usually, it's a positive experience; a chance meeting, an amazing opportunity, just being at the right place at the right time and being blessed in some way.  It is life changing in the best possible way.  My life changing moment was something horrific rather than something wonderful.

There are things that I had always done without giving them a second thought; things like travelling alone or even being home alone. Neither of which I can do right now.  It frustrates me. It angers me. I feel that I have been robbed of the life I have always had and left with just a shell of a life.  As rotten as that is, it is also a blessing. Why?  Because I'm alive.  I could have easily been killed.  So I feel it's up to me to find a way to move forward; to make a difference, to build my life into the life I want from this new place.   The life I had is gone, the life I have is mine to do with what I want.  I'm just stubborn enough to refuse to let an act of violence define me and rob me of the rest of my life. 

Those with PTSD need to talk about it to someone who can relate to and understand what it's like to have your world changed so dramatically.   Often that means sharing with others with PTSD.   Together we can support each other and find ways to move forward. I'm willing to help others find their way forward too because even though our experiences may be vastly different, we understand each other in ways most people can't.  

So on I go with my new life and my work and with the hope that I can make a difference.

That Which Does Not Kill You...

"That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger."

How often have we heard these words? We never really know the toll it takes to have the strength to carry on through some of life's most difficult, challenging, and in some cases, life threatening moments. 

2014 was my most challenging year; at times I honestly didn't think I had the strength needed to get through it.  It was a seemingly unending series of loss, heartache and shock so close together it gave me no time to grieve.  2014 took five, yes, FIVE members of my family and one lifelong family friend.  Six deaths in one year.   Through it all we worried about yet another family member who had taken ill and was seemingly deteriorating before our eyes.

If that wasn't enough, I found myself looking down the barrel of a gun; literally.  For a few moments in time, I actually thought that 2014 was going to kill me.   Instead, I ended up witnessing a murder.   It was my breaking point.  I cannot put into words what it is like to witness an act of violence that takes a life.  The details are here:  The Day Death Passed Me By.  I wrote that post days after the shooting and at the time, I thought I was actually handling the trauma quite well and life would eventually return to normal.

That however, was not the case.

It's now been months since that fateful day.  My life hasn't returned to normal because the reality is, the person I was prior to the shooting no longer exists.  I'm different and therefore my life moving forward will be different.  I need to create and build upon what I refer to as ''the new normal".   I had an earlier traumatic experience when I was fourteen. At that time, I was told I was suffering from grief and shock and I'd "get over it".  My perspective on life changed dramatically back then and it took me the better part of two decades to find the help I needed to "get over it".

For the record, you don't 'get over it' you come to terms with it; you learn to live with it; you make peace with it so it doesn't consume you or your life.  During the two decades, I had tried both conventional/traditional therapies as well as some alternative/non-traditional therapies.  Each had helped to some degree.  When I finally found the therapy which worked for me, I was so overjoyed and relieved, I actually took the necessary training needed to incorporate it into my work with my clients.  I never expected that I would again be in a position where a traumatic event would be so horrific that I would need to again undergo therapy in order to come to terms with it.

For weeks after the murder I slept very little and when I did sleep for an hour or so, there were horrific nightmares.  The less I slept the more fragile I felt.  I had always been independent, a free spirit, and now I found it nearly impossible to be alone and at the same time, I found it difficult to be around a lot of people.  I was suddenly trying to find the balance between the two.  The biggest challenge for me was around feeling safe.  All my life I had unconsciously felt safe no matter where I was; whether at home or travelling the globe.  Even when I traveled alone, through foreign cities and lands, I never felt uneasy or in danger.  All that changed.   While my mind told me that I'm safe, my emotions told a much different story.  I was anxious and edgy, even when I was at home.  There were other symptoms as well.  A lack of focus; the conflicting emotions between things I had always done and the inability to do them now.  The me I had always been had vanished and the person I had become was a stranger to me and one I didn't like or want to be.  

While I didn't think in terms of having PTSD, I did realize I needed help to get through this trauma.   I knew I wanted to deal with this new trauma with the non-traditional methods as I had used in the past which had given me the best results; so I turned to a trusted colleague for help.

One of the hardest things I had to do was to drive to my colleague's place for my first session.  I used to love to drive; it always gave me a sense of joy and freedom.  I no longer felt that way.  In fact, having to stop at a red light or a stop sign made my heart race. Pedestrians and jaywalkers created an undeniable feeling of panic.  Road construction, bumper-to-bumper traffic made me feel trapped with no escape and the anxiety that caused created such a feeling of blind terror its hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it. The drive to that first appointment took an hour and a half; the last 45 minutes of it was bumper to bumper traffic caused by road construction.  By the time I arrived at my colleague's place, I was practically in tears. 

Through all this I tried to maintain a "brave face" for family and friends because I didn't want them to worry about me.  While I'd admit to people that witnessing the shooting was terrifying, I always followed it up with "but I'm OK" when I fact I was far from OK.

A few people within my circle of friends suggested it's likely I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); I dismissed the idea. To me, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is something those who are constantly in situations which put them in harm's way (like those serving in the military or first responders) are at risk of experiencing.   I am simply someone who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I couldn't possibly have PTSD; could I? Apparently I could...and do.   My struggle with accepting it comes from my own self-judgment.  I compare my single traumatic event to the multitude of events soldiers and first responders experience on a daily basis and to me, I feel my situation is far less traumatic because it was a single event which is unlikely to be repeated.

I have since learned a single horrific event can cause PTSD.  While PTSD is labelled a mental health issue, to me it's an overall health issue because it impacts body, mind and spirit; not just the mind.   I have also learned family and friends are rarely able to relate to what it's like to have PTSD.  I have had family members say "aren't you over it yet?  It happened months ago" another said "It was obviously a targeted shooting, so you weren't really in any danger."

The nature of my own work with clients gives me a better understanding of my family and friends responses so I don't take their comments to heart. I understand they have no frame of reference, no way of truly understanding what it was like for me to witness a murder.  I also know their own unconscious fear plays a big part in their response.  After all, if it could happen to me, it could happen to them and the fear of that reality is not something they want to consider or accept so it is better to reduce or dismiss the event than to acknowledge it.

At the same time though, it also makes me realize how difficult it must be for others suffering with PTSD to find the support and help needed to come to terms with their own experience(s) and move forward with their lives.  After all, if your own family, closest friends and colleagues can't understand it, then the feeling of being alone and isolated weighs even more heavily upon you.

I am thankful I knew what I needed to help myself through this trauma and had a colleague I trusted to help me deal with it very early on. After a number of sessions, I am in a much better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I am still working through a few remaining physiological symptoms and figuring out what my "new normal" is and moving forward with my life.  I admit it's a strange headspace to be in.  It's like hitting a reset button on your life.  Creating a new foundation on which to build upon;  including finding a way to reconnect to family and friends in order to have the love and support needed to move forward and live life.

My own PTSD journey has given me the opportunity to develop a new way to work with clients with PTSD.  Even though symptoms may be similar or even the same, each person is unique and our work together needs to be developed based on their needs.  What works for one, may not work for someone else; that includes the number of sessions and the type of therapy (whether traditional or non-traditional).

The most important thing, the only thing which truly matters, is finding the right person/therapist/therapy that works for you.  If you don't feel comfortable or connected to the person/therapist or don't feel you are benefiting from the therapy - try someone or something else and keep trying until you find the right one because the right one IS out there. Traditional/Non-Traditional/Alternative - only you know what is working best for you so it is up to you to do what works for you.

Knowing you need help is the first step; finding the help you need is the second; and taking the time you need is the third.  There are better days ahead.  You can't go back to the life you had, however, you can move forward into a new life which includes your family and friends, laughter, love, health, wealth and happiness.  It's all within you; and it all starts with getting the help you need, now.

    

In An Instant

Twice in my life I have witnessed horrific deaths.  Once when I was 14, and the second time was just weeks ago.  Both instances changed me and my life in an instant. 

The first was a bus accident in which four friends were killed instantly and many others seriously injured.  I had originally gotten on that bus, found there wasn’t a seat available for me and had to get off and instead board the bus behind it.  In that instant, fate had moved me out of the role of accident victim and into the role of witness. 

That instant was a sign, though I didn’t know or understand it at the time.  You see, because of that accident and the loss of those friends, I began delving into what has become my life’s work.  At 14, I was trying to cope with the sudden, horrific, tragic loss of friends who were my age.  I was also trying to understand why I had been spared.   It had to be more than sheer luck.  I sought out answers in books on mysticism, life purpose, death and reincarnation, spiritualism, I even studied channeling and esoteric works. 

Through that instant, my life path was revealed, not fully, just enough to move me in the direction I needed to go.  As I continued to journey along my Path, I met teachers and seekers alike.  Some who helped me further my knowledge and understanding, others whom I helped; all have guided and assisted me and I have been blessed to have met them.

In recent months I have been feeling restless, frustrated, as though I was looking for direction, a sign of some sort.  I felt I should be doing something more or something different, yet I had no clear idea of what that was and it frustrated me.

This restlessness haunted me and filled my thoughts especially whenever I was alone.  As I mulled it over one day while I was sitting in traffic at a red light, annoyed that I still didn’t have any clarity, I looked up and witnessed a shooting. Stunned, I watched in horror as in an instant, a life was taken and in that same instant, mine had been changed irrevocably.   

In the moments, hours, days and weeks since, my mind has struggled with trying to comprehend “why”.  Why was I there?  Why was I a witness?  Why, once again, was I spared?  Does this too, tie into the work I am meant to do in this lifetime?  I don’t have the answer, yet I do know this: my life has changed in ways I could not have imagined.  Some things I took for granted are now challenging and at the same time, I have gained a new perspective and appreciation for all the little daily things that happen that make life worthwhile.  It is, at times both scary and intriguing. 

While I am seeking out ways to overcome the challenges the shooting created, I am also finding that I am living more fully in the moment and appreciating who and what I have in my life.  I cannot change what happened; I can only choose how to move forward from it.  So each day I focus on creating the life I desire which includes moving forward on my Path. I will find my way day by day, gaining clarity and following my intuition.  While some things have yet to reveal themselves to me, this I know for certain:  “Life changes in an instant.  Tomorrow is an illusion; you only have this instant, this moment.” Live in the moment, be in the moment. 

The Day Death Passed Me By

Let me begin by saying the event mentioned in the post is true and happened recently to me.

The day started like any other, never giving any hints as to what would unfold.  I had a series of errands to run and things to do.  So off I went on my merry way, first stop was to return a recent purchase.  From there it was off to the card shop to pick up a birthday card.  Now, I must admit I spent far more time at  the card shop than I intended.  Those who know me well will tell you I can spend literally an hour or more in a card shop looking for the perfect card.  From the card shop I headed out to do a little shopping; I wasn't looking for anything in particular, I was just looking around to see what was available and if there were any good sales on.  After visiting a few stores, I happened across a sale rack and found, much to my delight, a pair of $90 jeans on sale for $14.95.  I tried them on, they fit and I happily purchased them and headed home.  Pretty much an ordinary day.

I had been home a while when I realized I had to run over to my brother's place.  He lives about a 10 minute drive from me, so I gave him a call and told him I was just dropping by to drop off a few things.  He said to me "Why don't you wait until later?"  I really didn't want to wait as I still had dinner to make and laundry to do.  So I told him I was on my way.

I was 4 blocks away from my brother's place when it happened.  I stopped at a red light, looked down to change radio stations and when I looked up again, I was staring at a man standing in front of my car, pointing a gun at me. I was stunned. My mind reeled. Where did he come from?  Was I about to be car-jacked?  Was I going to live to see tomorrow?  I didn't move, he looked around somewhat wildly, moved towards the car in front of me and fired at that car several times. In my mind I kept saying this can't be happening; it's broad daylight, there are so many people around, how can this be?  I watched in horror as the car before me somehow veered to the right, the back window shattering.  Moments later the passenger door opened and the passenger half fell from the car.  In those moments of stunned disbelief I had lost slight of the shooter. 

Where did he go?  Is he still here somewhere?  Are there others?  I was torn between running to help those in the car and the absolute terror of being shot in the process of trying to help.  Moments later a large truck pulled up beside the car and a couple of guys jumped out to help.  I blessed them for having the courage to do what I couldn't; I knew I should have stayed to speak to police but shock and fear propelled me to drive to safety.

Now, I cannot help but think of those have chosen careers in which they deal with this type of violence and other dangers day in and day out.  The police, the EMS workers, firefighters, and military personnel.  While some may say "they chose their career" the reality is, where would the rest of us be without them? They rush in where angels fear to tread, not for their loved ones, but for total strangers.  How often do they feel Death has passed by them?

While emotionally I wanted to rush in to help, I was too terrified to do so and instead left.  I did go into the police station later that night and was interviewed and gave a formal statement, my mind still reeling from the incident and the knowledge that at least one of the two people in the car had been killed.     I told the detectives I had panicked and left the scene. Their response was kind, understanding and supportive, telling me that it was OK and that it was enough that I came in to talk to them.  One even said that given the circumstances they would have done the same.  I highly doubt it and know it was said to ease my mind and any sense of guilt I had over leaving.

Now I am dealing with the stress of witnessing this horrific act of violence. I am fortunate that my training has given me tools, resources and connections in which to help me through this. I know how incredibly blessed I am to be alive. An ordinary, routine day, shattered beyond recognition, all in a matter of a couple of minutes. In the time it took for the traffic light to change from red to green, Death had come and gone; and had passed me by.

I am not sharing this story for the drama or for an outpouring of support or sympathy.  I am sharing it because so often we go through our day without any giving thought to the fact that in an instant, our life or the life of a loved one could end.  In those moments where I was looking down the barrel of a gun at a masked man, wondering if I was going to live to see family and friends again, I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I wondered if they truly knew how much I loved them and I realized that even though they may know, I never said "I love you" often enough to any of them.

My point is this.  All the drama, the inconsequential hurts that we blow completely out of proportion, the misunderstandings, the grudges, the feuds, and the stupid reasons why "we're not talking to whoever"  need to be healed, released, forgiven; now, right now. Speak from your heart and speak often, because at any moment, on any day, in the most routine of circumstances, Death could come for you or them.

Blessings
Bren

Seeing Through My Eyes

Most people I encounter as some point will say to me "I wish I could see what you see".  While I understand their curiosity and desire to see intuitively I'm pretty certain the novelty would quickly fade when they realize how "seeing what I see" impacts their daily life.

While intuitive sight is amazing, it can also be both challenging and at times, quite frankly, a burden. 

I learned at a very young age that all that I see is not necessarily meant to be shared with others; not everyone is open to knowing or wants to know.  More importantly, I had to create my own sense of integrity; recognizing that just because I can see/read others it does NOT give me the right to do so without their permission. For me, reading people without their permission or knowledge is a violation of their privacy; it would be like reading their diary.  I wouldn't want someone to do it to me, so I make every effort to avoid reading others unless they expressly request a reading.

While on the surface this may seem like no big deal, it's actually quite challenging at times.  Imagine how it would affect your relationship(s).  Just imagine how the other person would feel, knowing you were able to see aspects of them that they would rather keep hidden or private.  We all have our secrets, those things we don't want to share about ourselves for whatever reason.  So imagine how vulnerable you would feel, how exposed, if you were with someone who could, potentially, see those things you want to keep personal and private.  How would you feel, knowing your life is like an open book to them and you don't have the same access to theirs?   There is a level of vulnerability involved that most people would never experience within the dynamics of a relationship and a feeling that it is a little one sided.  While at first your partner may find your ability fascinating/intriguing over time it may be the thing that ends the relationship.

Consider too, how it impacts friends and family.  When you are around those who are closest to you, you are more relaxed and less vigilant about guarding against reading them or what's going on around them.  Your emotional connection to them is an easy gateway and without consciously trying you are often given images or messages and with a start you draw back to once again maintain that boundary.  More than once I've had someone close to me ask why I only glance at them from time to time instead of maintaining eye contact when we talk; its because I am having a difficult time maintaining that boundary and don't want to intrude on their privacy.  I am, quite honestly, working hard not to see.  Just for a moment, imagine looking at your best friend and seeing their archetypes and their deceased loved ones all standing around them, its more than a little distracting especially when you are having a conversation and want to be fully present for them.

What happens when someone is ill and all anyone wants to hear is that their loved one is/will get better; yet what you see and are being told is that their time is running out.  Robbing others of hope is not the way to go, yet neither is lying.  It's incredibly hard to find a way to be supportive that is honest to them and to your vision at the same time.  Even more so when its someone you are close to.

The other thing is I don't always see 'everything' and not everything I see always makes sense to me at the time.  There have been times when I have seen something and been unable to understand it or to clearly see the details enough to explain it and for me that is the most unsettling part.  Knowing 'something' is about to happen but not fully knowing the when and where and just having to wait it out.

For all the challenges intuitive sight creates, there is an up side to it.  When channeled into something worthwhile, it can make all the difference in the world.  I have taken this ability and applied it to my work with others using it to see the patterns running through my clients lives and using the information obtained to help them transform their lives.  Everything is inter-connected.  Their past, present and future; their mind, body and spirit woven together in a way that creates their Soul Contract for this lifetime.  As I work with them and see them through intuitive sight, I am able to bring aspects of who they are to the surface through their Archetypes; allow them to heal their past and their history through quantum transformation so the process is fast; and assist them in creating the future they desire.

The gift of intuitive sight isn't meant to only benefit the one who has it.  The gift is meant to be used to provide insight and guidance to others in a way that will ultimately support their spiritual growth and assist them as they journey along their life path.  This is the blessing of the gift ~ the ability to help others recognize their highest potential in this lifetime and to then encourage them to live it; as I strive to do each and every day.

Blessings ~
Bren

Me? Stubborn? Nope!

There are a few things I always tell my clients:

1. It's all about you, just not in the way you think it is
2. Just because I've spent (literally) decades studying and practicing the work I do, it does not make me exempt from experiencing life/soul lessons.  We're all on the same bus, the only difference is I'm the driver. 
3. If you are willing to examine your life through your archetypes & symbolism you will be amazed at how clear the lessons become and how the cosmic 2x4 to the head is no longer needed to create awareness in your life.
4. How many times do you have to see, hear or experience something before you take it as a sign or a belief? (in other words, what's your convincer number?)

Which brings me to a day in early July and an exchange of Facebook posts between my friends and I on my personal page.  It all began with a simple post by me stating that due to torrential rain my finished basement had sustained water damage and I had endeavored to remove the wall to wall carpeting covering a 15x33 ft. room alone and only managed to get about 1/3 of it done before my arms gave out.  (For those who don't know, over the years I have broken several fingers, severely broken both elbows and a shoulder - which is another story for another time).  

Anyway, my simple post turned into a long exchange of comments from my friends, first asking why I didn't call any of them for help.  To be honest, it never crossed my mind to call them (as I told them) which then turned the posts into comments about me being stubborn which I didn't agree with and at the same time found to be pretty funny because they were insistent that I was, indeed, stubborn.  While I understood their concern, I didn't see how my not thinking to call for help equaled me being stubborn. 

Here's where the points I mentioned above come into this. This was about me; not about the way my friends perceived me or my actions, but instead about something I needed to learn about myself and no, it was not about learning I was stubborn, it was much deeper than that.  I practice what I preach, so I looked at the situation through a different perspective, as though the situation had happened to a client rather than me. I figured out which of my archetypes where involved, what their involvement was and the symbolic message that had been delivered to me via my friends.  I truly believe in the depth of this work and how powerful it can be if one takes the time to examine their life symbolically.  My Guide archetype felt this was the ideal experience to share, so others would be able to see, hear and really grasp how archetypes are part of your every day world.

Here's how it unfolded through the symbolic and archetypal messages.   I went down to the basement to check on things the morning after the storm (that's my Visionary wanting to see things).  What I found was wall to wall carpeting soaked from the walls to about 4ft towards the center of the room.  I needed to do something about it (that's my Alchemist wanting to change it).  I pulled up quarter round from around the base of the walls and started to tear out carpet (that's my Shape-shifter turning into a "minion" to get the work done).  It was as simple and as fast as one, two, three.  Through the Light aspect, my Visionary, my Alchemist and my Shape-shifter had effectively stepped up and into the situation without my conscious thought, so its really not surprising that I didn't call anyone.  I'm not blaming my archetypes for not calling others for help, they are not scapegoats, I am merely showing how quickly,  unconsciously,  and active they are in every moment of our lives.  Now, I could have ended my examination of the situation there, however, one has to look deeper if you are really going to uncover what's really going on because this had only shown me how I got from checking on the basement to pulling up carpeting without too much thought in between. 

So while my friends had asked "why didn't you call?"  my answer was still valid and true; it didn't cross my mind.  The bigger question, the important question had not been asked directly, so I had to ask it myself.  "Why didn't it cross your mind to call anyone?"   There it was and it had nothing to do with being stubborn, however, it does have everything to do with a couple more of my archetypes, symbolism and insight into a bigger lesson.

Here's where my Rescuer, my Orphan Child, and my Victim wander into this. (I recently wrote about the Rescuer archetype here: To The Rescue if you want more insight into this particular archetype.)

So to answer the "why didn't it cross your mind to call anyone?" The Shadow side of these archetypes stepped into the mix.  In the past, my Rescuer had spent years rescuing others believing that others would race to rescue me when I needed it, yet when I called, no one came.  When no one came, it triggered my Orphan Child into believing that "I have to do it alone" and the Victim believed that "no one really cares because if they did, they would have dropped everything (as my Rescuer always did) and race to help me. "

Now, let me make this very very clear.  This is about me, my perception, my beliefs, my feelings.  It is not about my friends.  (Remember point #1 - It's all about you, just not the way you think it is).  I have a two time convincer which means at some point in my past, I had asked for help and no one came, and it had been something I had experienced twice thus fulfilling my two time convincer strategy.  Therefore, I became convinced that no one would ever come when I needed them most.  This very limiting (and untrue) belief triggered feelings of being abandoned (Orphan Child) and that triggered the Victim into "no one cares". The two time convincer is a pattern, one that I created some time in my childhood.  Looking back I can see the pattern ripple through my life.  While it has shifted as I've grown older, it hasn't shifted fully out of the Shadows of these archetypes, it has just shifted enough not to trigger them.  

You see, there is a vast difference between 'not being triggered' and the Light Aspect of these archetypes. The easy way to not trigger the Shadows of my Rescuer, Orphan Child and Victim was to simply stop asking others for help.  If I don't ask there is no expectation of being rescued, no sense of abandonment when others can't come to my rescue and no feeling of being alone and unloved. 

From the Light Aspect, the Rescuer would not even be part of this trio.  Instead my Pioneer would step in (with a let's try something new attitude), my Orphan Child would recognize there are always people around who are willing and able to help you if you ask, and my Victim would recognize that some times people want to help but are unable to and that's OK, it simply means you need to ask someone else to help.

See the difference? 

So through this seemingly random Facebook post about wet carpet and my friends insistence that I was stubborn, I found Shadows lurking that I wasn't consciously aware of.  It created the perfect opportunity for me to look within, to gain perspective and to transform Shadows into Light.  The lesson came gently, through the love and concern of friends rather than the cosmic 2x4 to the head.  Believe me, awareness of my archetypes, looking for the symbolic meaning in events, and being able to see the patterns makes it easier to understand and grasp my life lessons without the need to blow up my life in order to 'get it'. 

It is something we can all do if we choose.  The more you are willing to look within to understand, the easier it becomes to identify your archetypal patterns and relate them to your everyday life.  The better you relate to them, the more aware you become.  The more aware you become, the more clarity you gain and with clarity comes understanding - of yourself and others and how we are all inter-connected and are here to help each other with our life lessons.

When seen through the eyes of symbolic sight and archetypal patterning, it all comes together beautifully, perfectly and often gives us insight into the "why did this happen" aspect of our life.  We may not be able to grasp all of it, but the threads we are able to pull together help us weave the greater pattern of our life/soul contract and to me that is the most amazing thing to become conscious of.

To my friends who were directly involved in this lesson, I love you and thank you ~ you are all blessings in my life.  I know I can (and will) call on you when I need help because now I have the conscious awareness to think of you and ask.

Blessings.